Christmas Card problem solved!

Christmas Card problem solved!

Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age, and found that
shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he
decided to send checks to everyone instead.

In each card he wrote, “Buy your own present!” and mailed them
early.

He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was
only after the holiday that he noticed that he had receiving very
few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study,
intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had
happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that
he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to
find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the
cards.

Christmas Holiday Cheer Joke

Christmas Holiday Cheer Joke

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

Christmas Joke of the Day

Christmas Joke of the Day

Optimist vs. Pessimist Christmas

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Christmas Jokes

Christmas Jokes

‘Twas A Florida Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, twos not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn’t a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,
There weren’t any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.

He stopped at each house….stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up I-75 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL,
I WISH I COULD STAY!”

A Lawyer’s Deal With The Devil

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer “I have a proposition for you…”

“You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: “So, what’s the catch?”